https://www.iusedtobelieve.com/
COUPLE OF MY FAVES:
“I thought the tip jar at the restaurant was so people could give the chef cooking tips for how to cook better.”
“As a child, I believed that toilets were alive. When you used them, you were feeding them, and if they didn’t like what you fed them, they’d vomit it back up (overflow). If you made them angry, they would eat you, so you had to be nice to them and not make them sick. Stranger-toilets (e.g. public restrooms) were especially untrustworthy - best to keep an eye on them at all times. I also believed that they would detach from the wall and dance around the bathroom at night when no one was around. You couldn’t normally catch them at this, because they’d go back to being inert as soon as they heard you coming, but if you closed the bathroom door and then quietly crawled up to it and looked under the bottom, you could see this happening.”
“I used to think you had to be an adult to drink household chemicals.”
“I convinced my little brother that bubbles were your possible futures and once you popped them, they were destined to happen to you. I told him that the reason you see a tiny version of yourself in them (your reflection) was because that was the future you but that I could see really well and only I could make out what they were. I would blow a bunch of bubbles and say there were a bunch of different futures in them and watch him excitedly pop the ones that I told him were really good. Sometimes when he was acting up I’d tell him one of the bunch was bad and then watch him pop and bubble and shout “oh no! Not that one!” But then after he’d freaked out about whatever bad future I said would happen, tell him the next bubble undid it. Some of his bad futures were getting bad grades in school, growing up ugly, losing all his teeth, or just getting trouble for what he might have done that day. But the future that made him really lose it and meltdown was that he would fall in love and get married. For some reason that future was utterly unbearable to a five year old.”
“I used to believe that a funeral organist was the person who collected the body parts of the dead.”
“I used to think when you lost balloons, they would go to balloon-land. I thought my balloons would be happier there, so every time I got a balloon I let it go, thinking it would fly to balloon-land. And sometimes I’d bring it home, and let it go from my balcony. I began to think as balloons as a separate species. I wanted to send a note along with one and see if the leader of balloon-land would write back to me, but then I got worried that an evil balloon might get ahold of it and take my mom to balloon land! (don’t worry, I’m normal now)”
“When my sister and I were little, my dad told us the cows on the hills were “Hill Cows” and that two of their legs were shorter than the other two so if they stood on flat ground they’d fall over.”
“When I was a kid I always thought the lunch lady had had brain surgery. I could only see the line of her hair net and assumed it was a permanent cephalic scar.”
