I spend a lot of time mulling this over, since my therapist thinks that both my SO and MIL have malignant narcissism.

What I can say about both of them is that they really find doing emotionally disruptive things absolutely vital to their lives. MIL likes to pit her kids against each other so she can watch them fight, and she smiles like a vampire who just had a delicious blood feast when she sees it. Her only grandchild develops an eating disorder? Nothing will do but to run out and buy her some size XXL pyjamas to make her feel worse. Everything for her is a provocation and meant to trigger a negative reaction, because that’s what she gets off on. It’s beyond being an asshole, it’s pathological and emotionally disturbing.

My SO, one of the biggest examples is the gifts he buys me. They’re usually highly thoughtful and unique, but they’re also really for him (it’s several times been a piece of art), and part of it is so he can take pictures of them for Instagram and display his fine taste in things to everyone. If I tried to move out and take those things with me, he’d probably break my arm. Nothing is really a gift with him, it’s just a way for him to get himself something he can show off with. Or he’ll spend a long time taking pictures of things we’ve bought on trips just to show what interesting and unique tastes he has and how therefore he’s better than anyone else. It’s really tone deaf and it really reflects how he doesn’t actually enjoy anything, but rather what doing something or buying something will help to elevate his status in his mind. It’s tiresome and tone deaf. It isn’t that I don’t like the gifts, but the whole point is that they’re not really gifts at all, and my birthday or whatever is just an excuse to acquire something that makes him feel important. He really has no friends, and I think this is a desperate way to make the few people who try to be nice to him at least superficially on social media think he’s important, but really nobody can stand him beyond the superficial.

I think an asshole would just not be bothered with anything so deliberately manipulative, but just be really careless with your feelings and react badly when they get angry. I think that’s the difference is the deep rooted pathological nature of it.

Treatable is an optimistic way to describe it. My therapist friend says it’s virtually like starting from scratch with every session she does with a borderline, they’re super resistant to treatment and have very poor insight.

It’s hard to give up because some of the musicians I really like post there, and indie musicians are often struggling financially and Substack is simply a bigger platform.

Aww I love that you still go out at night though. I don’t unless I bus.

I just turned 50. I have an extremely good memory for events long ago, like I remember parts of being 2 years old even without difficulty. This is the first year in my life that all those things seem so very long ago though. I don’t know how to describe it, but the fact I was alive before we got answering machines suddenly makes me feel very ancient when it didn’t before. I also try to describe how horrible 1980s parenting was and nobody really gets that, like how casually you were molested or sexually pestered by adult men and nobody cared, or girls at my high school having adult boyfriends, or my teacher dating Tanya Memme when she was underage, and briefly being suspended for it because it was Catholic school, but she graduated and they went right back to it. (Tanya is a good egg though). It seems very alien to anyone I’ve talked to about it who are younger, but it really was like that, your parents did not give one fuck about your safety. That makes me feel suddenly a lot older, because nobody else seems to understand or have forgotten how bad it was.

Wheeling some broadskis, but no puck bunnies. Get after it.

As an aside I would totally Crave and misbehave with Indian team hockey coach.

Apparently so! Decolletage injection it’s called.

If a terrorist held a gun to my head and ordered me to get on my knees, I would simply have to let them blow my head off because that is no longer possible. Also I have that slight wrinkle at the top of my cleavage, which apparently I can get Botox for. But I’m not going to.

Imagine romance and marriage being that simple!

I don’t care about using Reddit because I don’t, but if they paywall things people use Reddit to deshittify Google searches for, that’ll be bad.

Apparently if you send him mail he answers.

Youse were getting squeezers from your big city slams the whole time.

As sure as God’s got sandals.

Can I have your number? Oh never mind I’ll get it from your mum.

No thanks. Anything that requires that much work to have sex is not appealing to me.

I don’t understand anal at all. It hurts and there’s poop.

The drag queen Vanjie says she uses a teaspoon of mouthwash to douche with. O.o.

The name of a book by Jonathan Carroll.

Nobody is a “member of antifa”, usually we are part of groups like American Iron Front which are antifascist. I was recruited to join through Reddit after I made a fake white supremacist Facebook account where I befriend actual Nazis, go through their accounts, report all their Nazi posts and get them banned, again and again. I also posted all their pictures to r/beholdthemasterrace so they were all dragged out from the rocks they live under, which Reddit eventually banned me for, when a couple of the Nazis figured out that they were on the subreddit with their stupid swastikas and Heils. I modded r/antifascist after I was recruited before my ban, and did some serious catfishing of Nazis on the side with the group, including convincing Enrique Tarrio that we were a 20 something year old Republican college age girl and having him send a dick pic,which I have still and it is a sad fash wiener. We also outed a Marine as a Nazi to his commanding officer and he was dishonorably discharged, and I personally outed via a journalist for Antihate a guy in northern BC who was a Christian Identity white supremacist who was arrested and later convicted of murdering his young girlfriend who he had a young son with despite their being a publication ban. As well as some other stuff, I’ve worked with journalists and even an FBI joint task force detective who I gave a couple of Capitol rioters too, but I don’t think they were even prosecuted. Most of my time I devote to befriending Nazis and trying to inform their jobs that they are Nazis, which I have succeeded at.

I forgot my meds yesterday and am kind of hypomanic today which is why I’m even talking about this, but yeah we do actually do a lot. I’ll show you Enrique’s peener if you want.

How to cut wispy bangs. Well I’d gladly die before having bangs again.

The writer David Sedaris wrote a wonderful funny essay about staying at a nudist colony. It seems endearing.