SkyeLight

it’s to build a graph of the people that you interact with so further intelligence collection could be planned.

It’s the Finding Paul Revere analysis, and it can get scary.

Especially with things like cyberattacks (institution losing access to your accounts), scamming (you lose access to your accounts), power failures (everyone loses access to their accounts), etc.

I mean, I literally have a small stash of money in the closet (some 20’s and a bunch of smaller notes), so that if a semi-major disaster hits, I can still buy any supplies I can find that I need - gas, water, food, a couple nights in a hotel, whatever. Plastic is a great backup system, but it relies on me having my card, my card having enough money free, the merchant having power to run the card, the merchant’s communications working, the system they link into having power and communications, etc. With cash, it’s just “here, take this” and it’s all good.

I think this may be a multi-part issue. For him:

he doesn’t leave the house much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in getting enough socializing/ connection.

It’s not fair of him to do very little to expend that energy and then expect you to meet his needs, especially at a point where you’re struggling yourself.

He talks to his mom everyday and me.

It’s not at all uncommon for men to depend on the women in their lives for the vast majority of their emotional support. Which isn’t fair to the partner who’s burns themselves out to meet that need, nor is it fair to the man who’s needs aren’t being met.

He desperately needs to get more people into his life. Even if you weren’t working massive hours and essentially supporting the entire household on your own, it’s not fair on you to be be almost the entire focus of his emotional and social support structure.

His idea of organization is hiding things where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open floors/walkways.

What’s his explanation for this? I can’t imagine hiding things away and leaving other stuff in the middle of the floor is “organized”.

This one really bothers me for reason I can’t see. If you’re willing, you might try posting over in /r/Two chromosomes ; while they can be too quick to tell people to leave their partner, they’re also generally really good at spotting the reasons behind some toxic behaviors.

and I finally blew up on him. […] His response has been [to dismiss me, punish me]. […] He’s threatening to leave me if I don’t stop being moody.

Ah, yes, men: the people who think women are too moody, and never understand that anger is an emotion as well …

Working 60+ hours a week for months on end

I’ve done the 60-70 hour workweeks for months on end thing, and it’s not just the hours spent in work each week. It’s the loss of time to do everything else that needs to be done; even when you’re incredibly efficient about it, the constant plate-spinning takes a toll. And the weeks at work aren’t just individual weeks - they take a cumulative toll that can take a while to recover from, once you’re out from under the gun. It’s not sustainable.

[My work is] putting too much strain on my personal life/ responsibilities.

It’s true that your work schedule is affecting your life and your relationship. Question: what is your partner doing to help you through this time? Is her picking up the slack: vacuuming, doing the laundry, making meals, cleaning up, taking out the garbage? Or is he still expecting you to do all that in addition to your work?

Oh - I’ve just identified one of the things that bothered me about hiding things away/not putting things away [2XC could probably identify more]. This sounds like weaponized incompetence - being intentionally incompetent at a task so that you do it instead.

the way he’s threatening to leave me after a few difficult months has me questioning if he feels the same.

I’d take this week to sit down and give it a serious think. Write down complete list of household chores [and all the subtasks those chores involve], and who does them and how often (and how well): who plans meals, does the shopping, the prep work, the cooking, the cleanup? Who collects the laundry, washes them, moves them to the dryer, puts them away? Who vacuums, cleans the bathrooms, takes out the garbage, picks up around the house? I know the answers to several of those already, but you should sit down and write up a full list of all the mental and physical labor that goes into keeping a household functioning, and who’s doing that work.

Then figure out who’s contributing money to the household, how much and what that money is getting used for. [My suspicion is that you’re paying for the household and a lot of his income gets spent on pizza when no one wants to cook, video games, and whatever his current hobby is.]

I think, in the end, you’re doing the vast majority of the “grown-up” work, and he’s acting like a spoiled teen: staying home, kind of drifting and not contributing much, working but only when he feels like it. Some other things I’m curious about (and I’m not asking, but you should think about) is whether there’s a noticable age gap between the two of you; whether he’s lived on his own before for any decent amount of time without anyone helping to take care of him (which includes fussy roommates, old partners, or his mom stopping by I’ve it twice a week); whether he comes from a culture or family that tends to either baby the males or overindulge the children; and what he’s said about the breakup of any prior relationships he may have had.

Overall, I think he needs to work on himself a bunch, and that you could use a vacation, and that both of you could use some couples therapy. I know therapy gets a bad rap and he’ll likely be resistant, but think of it as a way to potentially resolve at least some of your communications issues. One of the classic examples was a wife that was annoyed that her husband kept using the family credit card, even after he’d agreed with her that they shouldn’t go into debt [excluding emergencies, obvs]. The counselor asked them to define “debt”. Her definition was “owing money to someone”; his definition was “not being able to pay off the balance within a reasonable time”.

I wish you a less stressful week, plenty of time to really think things over, and a beautiful future.

And TIL learned this as well - thank you for sharing!