Thank you for your comment and kind words. Seems like anorexia is about a person seeing themselvs fat while being actually underweight. This is not my problem since I know I am underweight but I get what you mean. Thankfully I live with my family and I can’t tell them this problem so I eat either this way or that way. I sure will not die off this in short time at least, haha.

I talked to a therapist about this before and she said I’m fine. She gave me a paper. There were text and gaps like;

“I think of … of my father”

…and I had to fill them. My next session was 6 months later but then the therapist went on the annual leave. They said I can contact again when she returned but we never got any other news. Never tried to apply for another therapist. 10 minutes once every 6 months doesn’t really help. What can you expect from a third-world country after all?

Sorry for answering late.

By saying “I don’t care what they are interested in.” I didn’t meant I don’t care about their feelings or their interests entirely. I tried to mean It doesn’t matter what they are interested in. They might not like Operas or Antique fashion like me because I look for their brain and personality before their interests. Of course in a relationship, I do take care of what my love would be interested in. I’d like to hear more and know them better. They just don’t need to share same interests with me.

Actually I’m not sure what I want a girlfriend to add to my life. I always tried to be a logical person. Even in a romantic relationship, dialogues are like math for me. Everything adds up to each other and you get a result in the end.

I think of why I want a relationship for so long and never got an entirely clear answer. I’ve always been deeply connected to people around me like my family, and I think the imagination of having a beloved one is just amazing. I feel so emotional and attracted towards that person even before meeting her. I’m sure I’d be very connected with her if we met because this is why I ended up so depressed in my last break-up. I just get too connected and filled with so much love towards that person, this might end up as a negative aspect. Some stuff happened with my old girlfriend which I talked about and it was all about this problem. I just feel heavy love and interest towards the possible beloved person of my life. I’m not sure what causes it but I have some guesses with experiences from childhood which wouldn’t be suitable to share in here.

Shortly, it’s more of an emotional call which I can’t explain for years.

I’m sorry for writing 4 days later. It’s not right for me to answer this late, especially after the long text you shared but I had to regain some motivation. It’s hard for me to talk with people, even online. And every comment I read seems like they are not helping. I do really take care of what everybody write and I’ll consider implementing them in my life but I think my brain just hopes for more of a straightforward solution that’s not possible. Wish someone could come here and say “Hey, there is this alternate path which is exactly perfect for people like you.” but life doesn’t work that way. And it feels like topic transformed into “psychological help” which I talked a billion times in other platforms reddit. Every comment seems like the ones I answered hundreds of times. I know we can’t bypass psychology entirely because it’s an important problem for me not finding dates but I already heard all of these. I stopped looking for psychological help months ago because of this. Every organization I mailed, every post I made, every professional I tried to contact and every person I talked- These already happened a billion times and now I know what you guys write. I can even guess them before coming. Repetitive, same thing. I hoped this topic wouldn’t lean to psychological way but just to- I don’t know. It was wrong for me to expect for anything else actually. I guess no escape, then? I can’t do a single thing except my project without getting rid of these problems, not even have a chance for complaining.

There are minor psychological book translations to Turkish, and every one of them I read were awful like I said. Sadly I can’t afford bringing any books from outside of my country and the ones written in here are all government propaganda saying our health as country is somehow fine (?) I tried non-professional CBT treatment much as I could on myself but schizophrenia and other problems really overwhelm me. I think it would be helpful if I could get a real professional rather than what I do all myself.

No, I can’t “do” all of the things you explained because like mentioned above, most of my problems need medical solutions. I can’t just say “I walk.” and stop limping. Wish it was simple like that but I can’t get rid of OCD that simple. These kind of topics need professional hands and all the self-help I tried by learning psychology ended up with self-harm because of schizophrenia.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience but I don’t think I have 15 years to change myself and find a date. I’m a busy person and I have stuff I need to do, which will take time. Beyond that, I don’t even have access to professional support. You might think of this as being negative but I just try to look at the situation with reality glasses and objectively. I’m happy it worked for you but in real life, there are thousands committing suicide because of mental problems. I’m not suicidal -at least for a year- but I know how it feels and I know you can’t entirely recover from everything. Professional support, self-help, CBT treatment or therapists are not using magic. Every brain have limitations and I don’t think I will be able to fully recover. Instead I look for a person who can accept me like this. Maybe I’m asking for too much but I can’t provide anything more. Some thoughts and visuals never go away from a person’s eyes no matter how hard you try.

Yes, I do have the problems you lined up.

Thank you for sharing your own personal struggles and advices, I’ll listen and take care of them for the future. I don’t hate my physical body because of being underweight. I don’t like it because my brain is overwhelmingly thinking about it. Even when typing on the keyboard right now, I try not to add much pressure on them because I start thinking of the veins underneath the skin. I’m experienced in gore, so I know how disgusting inside of a body can look. My brain starts thinking of it and the sticky, disgusting skin that’s stretching across my fingers every time I touch to something. It’s not special to my body only, especially not to my underweight. I find it disgusting on everybody, even the most beautiful looking females. We all do have that disgusting skin after all. I hope I can look at the world like you started doing, but it seems a lot harder for my situation. I tried loving my eyes, but it’s not just the problem of disliking them. I really do find them disgusting in a way that I did multiple self-harm on them. I’m not sure if I can get rid of them without professional support. I can’t see how can I make the eyes less disturbing to me. I can’t change how they look, how they feel, where they are or what I do think of them. Actually I can change some of these, but it can only be done through self harm. Still, limping and having a humpback are the main problems why I don’t look attractive physically I can’t solve them as well since they are medical problems. It’s not just cutting my hair, washing my face or taking care of my hygiene.

Turkey have some great parks but not in the place poor people live. Search “Sakarya gecekondu” online and you’ll see some slums that exists similiar to the ones in my neighborhood. My house is a little bit better, but you can see the situation in the area. There is one, huge park in here but it’s all just empty dirt area with a few trees planted by. There is a coffee that used to be owned by the government but staying closed for more than 2 years. There is literally nothing else. No grass, no park areas or any other places to sit down. There isn’t even a single bump to look interesting. There are some empty, grass areas around the neighborhood but no people exist there since they are random grassland areas. The area looks like grassland map from Gmod, I told you. There aren’t even vegetation. It’s just ugly looking flatland. I tried to look for other communication areas, and there is only Sakarya city center - Adapazarı. It’s even a joke between my family that there are nowhere else to see. I’m shocked how good it looks in google image search, normally it’s a lot more dirty. It’s at least not slums and not dangerous to walk around but only places to visit are too expensive and only have coffee shops. Tried visitng the ones I can afford but I still don’t know how to start a conversation with a random person.

I can’t seem to love being a physical being. I tried, I really did. I don’t know how you approach to this situation and what kind of a perspective you have. In my point of view, we are machines made out of meat, flesh, bones and skin. We got the body, the brain and the organs that are working together. If we enjoy something physically (like sex, eating food, dancing or walking around) that’s because the signals that are sent to our brain are understood that way. You like eating chocolate because it contains tryptophan, a building block for serotonin. It gives you dopamine. I don’t like eating one because despite producing dopamine, I can’t stop imagining the disgusting visual that happens in my mouth, my throat and my stomach. I say it in a real obsessed behavior. I can’t even sleep with the thought of it and can’t be relaxed without vomiting or somehow distracting myself for hours. I even get nausea just by looking at food these days. I even spent a few days sometimes by tricking my family (They don’t know I have this.) I can’t eat, no way. Every time I rotate my eyes, the feeling of them is there. I can’t just love existing because the wind feels good or eating a chocolate. After all, I know it’s just digesting a food. The thoughts of it’s look is overhelming the minor enjoyement. I don’t understand why should I be happy by eating one as well? Producing dopamine? So what? It’s just tasty food. Having sex? Why? It’s just a piece of evolution and human pshcyology. I’d rather prefer it in art or metaphoric writings. Going outside? I’d rather spending that my time on something more important like my project rather than wasting it outside.

After me “yapping” for 3 paragraph long, I must thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them and despite sounding like I refused all of them, I’ll really try to take care of every sentence and I will consider applying them to my life.

I prefer to not say it. It’s not something I can tell here either way.

If you are trying to help me then why do you use slang words like that one? I think I can accept critcism, can you give me an example where I didn’t? And why do you insult me like that despite specifally saying I do have traumatic experiences with this topic? You know these kind of comments can push people towards self-harm or suicidal crisis situations, you know it right? I think you, and all the people upvoting comments like this should notice talking to a person who said they have suicidal thoughts before can end up pretty bad. Thinking of this comment when I have urges to pop my eye out is not so fucking helpful.

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful answer. I’ll consider all of the text for my future plans.

Like mentioned in another comment, my expectations are clear from a partner. I want a person who can love me and who I can love back. I don’t care how they look or what they are interested in. Maybe this is so much like you said but I’m not sure what else I can expect. But I definitely not look for a person who should take all my physical, mental, and social issues all at once. That’d be unfair to expect these from a relationship. Not even myself cannot solve these, how can I wait from somebody else?

If a girl with my exact same issues wanted to date me, I would be definitely interested. I’ve been living with my sister for years, she is sharing very similar and even more deeper problems than me. I know how it is to handle and live with a problematic person. Even with extreme content which I can’t talk here. I’m very good in providing emotional support. I put my early teenage years to stop for helping her to catch up so I think I can do the same for a partner. I actually think we’d go well fine together since I seem to show best connection with people who show similar problems with mine. Just to prove, my old girlfriend had similar problems and we went too well. These don’t have any connection to why we broke up. It was a thing about her brother

I don’t want to focus on friendships with no expectations. My life is math. 2+2 is meaningless without =4 I need an expectation. Beyond that, finding a friend is hard much as finding a relationship for me. I tried to connect with my high school friends but it didn’t worked. And I simply don’t want a friend.

Thank you again for your comment.

Firstly, thank you for your comment. I really appreciate how long and careful you wrote it. These are some good advices but I got some stuff to answer for. I think I couldn’t explain myself well enough.

You might be right about me not wanting to change. That’s a good point. I’m on this project for a long time and I don’t really want to change. But isn’t it wrong if I try to change myself just for a relationship? Wouldn’t I be not me? Beyond that, transforming to being extrovert or anything more attractive after 3 years of isolation will surely need some serious time, work and psychological experience - which I can’t provide. And even if I could get access to professional help, there are some serious marks that cannot be repaired entirely which I don’t want to talk here.

My problem isn’t with bar of soap, being clean or looking handsome . I do have medical problems like limping, spine problems and many more physical problems that cannot be fixed without professional medical support. I don’t find my face unattractive, I do find my disabilities disturbing. It’s like I live in a 50+ years old man’s body and brain while being just 19. I can put myself to market in a clean way but not in a healthy way. It just doesn’t look good when I use a walking stick like a 75 years old. I know this doesn’t mean I can’t find love but it surely reduces the possibility.

Thank you for the emotional part about “not opening yourself to them” but this is all I am. I don’t have that shore side where I can chit-chat or hang out. I spent my years sacrificing stuff I have to get everybody I love out of this situation since childhood. I don’t want to cry like a baby in here but I can shortly say I had to be mature in early age and had to sacrifice relationships, connections or even school to achieve this. Time and choices transformed me into this. I can’t provide physical touch, I have OCD on everything, I get nausea in artificial light, my eyes burn when I cry, I hate watching movies, going outside, having activities, sleeping, eating and many other stuff. I surely tried to change myself and raise my price but I’m not in a situation where I can get professional therapy or support. Trust me, I’ve been trying for years and there is no real help that I can reach to. The things they call as self-help and similar resources provide nothing but "Get up and say hi to the sun to feel better! They don’t understand not every person can live in such luxury to see the sun every morning. Especially the ones that live in the slums.

In result, I try to maybe find somebody who accepts me like this or just can understand these struggles. The thing I search in the market is not a beautiful, rich or a genius woman. I do look for somebody who can love me, and I can love back. That’s all. I don’t care how she looks, what she loves or what kind of a personality she have. This is the product I look out for but because of many reasons I shared, it’s so hard. That’s why I asked for new ideas and advices in this post.

Sorry for complaining your answers and thank you again for trying to help me in such beautiful answer.

Thank you for your answer, I think I couldn’t explain myself too well. I know who I am and who I want to be. There is no problem with this but this doesn’t seem attractive for common relationship standards. Like, I see most people find physical touch or eating a common relationship activity but I can’t provide neither of them. This doesn’t mean I can’t find anybody but the possibility is mathematically lower than regular standards, because I can’t provide many things that are loved in common relationships. This is one of the reasons why I can’t find a date.

And I don’t dislike my face shape. I even said if I just take care of it more, I can be around average. the problem is the rest which I try to but can’t seem to change. Being underweight, limping, forehead wrinkles, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Some people say “You can get rid of them.” but if we look objectively, it’s very rare that somebody can entirely escape from traumatic experiences and problems this deep. Of course they can reduce but some things stay as a mark until end of your life. All the things I mentioned need medical help more than just taking care of my face or dressing better. I can and do try to look better but it’s a big negative part that I’m limping in 19.

I’m not complaining about what I love. Niche is niche but I’m happy with them. the problem is this is reducing the possibility mathematically as well. If %70 of my country likes modern rap, I do aim for less than %1 who can understand Operas. This reduces the chances and I personally tried to show these positive sides in dating apps, sadly they are look-based like you said. I’ll try to show these sides in real life communication in the future but still a negative aspect because these things come after the look, shown in time. I can’t say I’m so intelligent and I don’t want to be rude but it’s hard to find an intelligent lady who can understand stabilized, logic-based relationship life in this country where average IQ is 87. Especially in such early-teenage years.

Thank you for your “Maybe you don’t stand a chance and you got to find some other strategy…” recommendation but that’s exactly why I made this post. I need an alternate strategy and I can’t think of anything else.

I appreciate your long comment.

I don’t know why you are doing this but I see this as a ragebait. No needed to use slang words and disrespect towards people with no real explanation.

Excuse me? I specifally mentioned I don’t ask for emotional support multiple times carefully. When the user answered me with one of them, I tried to kindly tell them “I don’t look for that.” I even thanked them for trying to help. If it offended somebody, I apologize but I don’t think that’s the main reason I can’t find a relationship. It might be if it’s a big negative point that I can’t see but I doubt it’s the main reason.

Thank you for your answer. I really appreciate you typed an answer this long. It’s really good to see a supportive comment. I don’t want to write down something negative and become the guy who dislikes every single answer but I felt like I might not shared enough information because some of these are really not helping.

Personal grooming and taking care of my look is expensive. I already mentioned I live in a third world country where I earn 528$ per month. I live in some kind of slums and it takes time, effort and money to do these. I might sound like “I ask for a relationship without working for it.” And to be honest, I’m that kind of a person. I don’t keep myself clean or take care of my look or surroundings. I always lived in my brain and not that I want to be social or spend time outside of my brain. Even simple things such as wearing more clean clothes etc. can help but I’m not in a situation where I can afford new dressing. Not that it helps a lot too.

I’d think of a schedule where I will have workout regime but I’m a very busy person. I wake up at 5 A.M. start working on my project until evening. My sister wakes up and we eat breakfast. Rest of the time goes on my other work -where I earn money- or supporting my sister through her streams -she really needs that- I sometimes find enough time to read a book or learn new things as a hobby. Day ending, we eat dinner and my family goes to sleep. I spend my entire night until 3 A.M. for working on my project. In total, I sleep 3 hours polyphasic sleep per day in two pieces.

I can’t reconnect with any school friends because I don’t have any. Like, I had some but we cut the contact years ago. Both me and they changed. I sometimes see how social or free they are, I think I don’t want them to see me like this. Not that I want to be like them -because I think I managed to become more mature in years unlike them- but sometimes feel a bit jealous. I actually tried to meet with one of them and it didn’t went well. Seems like me from then isn’t suitable like me from now. I changed a lot.

I specially mentioned this is a third world country multiple times. There aren’t really any groups, concerts, events or socializing areas except beaches and some coffees. beyond costing too much, how can I communicate people over there? I can’t just go and try talking like “Hey!” Trying this always ended up me sitting alone in the beach for some time because what to do? And mathematically it’s a very low possibility a random person I meet outside be suitable with me. If there were specific groups for my interests or my needs like you said, it’d be possible. But no one in “real life” doesn’t really bother more than quick-chats or short term flirting. At least in my country. People I look for or need are definitely not there, that’s obvious. I tried looking for a table-top community before. They are all filled with overly-nerdy but friendly men. I didn’t looked for global ones to be honest, that’s a great idea, I’ll consider it - thanks.

Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and experiences about the age situation. While not having experience of a 43 years old, I think I can clearly say I spent my time productively enough. I barely wasted a day in my life for a few years. I always kept working and like how I mentioned, my brain, my life, my days, my everything is just built upon a single idea project. Now I’m ready to start releasing it to the people and it still have steps to take in the following years. But I can say hardest part -writing- is done a year ago and I’m ready to show it to the people. I’m focused on my project and ready to get rid of everything that’s stopping through it. Actually, the isolation situation I’m inside is more of a personal fault caused by that. I got rid of any communication and chances to learn myself in young teenage to work on this. I used to be an extrovert but isolated myself for it. Didn’t had the days of hanging out with friends or dating a beautiful girl. Had it for less-than-a-year high school era but abandoned it like how I said. Not that I complain, it’s a personal choice. I had to do it for the project and I don’t regret the choices I made. That’s why I look for a person who can understand me and why it is so difficult. Outside of the thing I make, I don’t really have anything. I don’t enjoy anything else, I don’t know what a real relationship looks like. I can’t communicate or don’t know how to do anything. For last three years, I didn’t talked to a real person outside of my sister. So that’s one of the reasons why it’s so hard. Or maybe my brain just lies to me because I’m not in a suitable situation, psychology and mind for a healthy relationship. Maybe you are right, I must not follow it - maybe I’ll meet somebody that’s fitting to me. I must think on these.

Again, thank you for your comment and sharing your own thoughts. It really helped a lot.

Thank you for your comment, I said I know they don’t work as well. That’s why I deleted them. I don’t want to be rude but I specifally asked for solution ideas, not emotional support with “Failing there has nothing to do with you.” I specifally mentioned it multiple times in my text. But still, thank you again, it makes me feel better :)