Tldr at the bottom.
No real names, sorry. I (28M) am a department lead at my job, Jane (25F) is also in a similar position in another department. John (~23M) is in my department working under me. I am his direct supervisor. I am on good terms with John.
A few weeks ago, Jane has been reaching out to me for casual conversation unprompted and will come get me for any work related cross department needs no matter how minor. I can clearly tell she is interested in me as nobody is that persistent with casual conversation or finding ways to interact if they weren’t. She has told me I am her favorite person to work with even though I barely know her.
Jane is cute and also hilarious, I wouldn’t mind dating her and have considered it if we end up being a good match. So far so good anyway.
Bring in my coworker John. John is an interesting character. Funny guy, good heart, openly a furry, Bisexual leans gay, and rascal like personality. John also has depression and sees a therapist. He openly hates his job even to his own coworkers dissatisfaction. We don’t deal with the best of work, but it still gets old hearing it for everyone. John is also easily distracted to the point of causing issues with his work performance.
I like john, he stresses me out at times but I try to be patient as I know he lives a rough life. He will confide in me often about his issues. Most recently he had a episode to where he got so distracted his partner was doing all the work and the partner snapped at him. I had to talk to both of them, one about his yelling even if justified and John with his lack of focus.
My discussion with John turned out alright, he hates his job and wants to leave but appreciates me. The only reason he stays he tells me is because of his interest in Jane. He has apparently asked her out before and she said she would. Don’t think they have yet. They are friends to my knowledge.
Obviously, I don’t want to touch this problem with a 10 ft pole from a job perspective. I like Jane and I am damn well certain she likes me as well from how she interacts with me and I believe that will interfere with John’s life even if I do nothing. John is a good guy that is teetering on the edge of mental stability and I have no desire to not only break his trust in his mind by going to “steal his girl” after he told me about his desire for her, but also push him over the edge.
I don’t think she is giving up either. So what should I do?
Tldr: cowork likes me, I like her, other coworker I am in charge of likes her and has gotten a yes from her when asking her out but no date yet. Coworker has depression and ended up telling me about his desire for her recently. Doing nothing is not an option as she pursues me. He persues her. Me dating her would likely cause him to meltdown. What to do?
As a manager and somebody who enjoys being able to pay my bills, wouldn’t mess with any of this. I have had subordinates take interest in developing a personal relationship with me. In some cases I share that feeling, but I still tell them as their manager it would not be appropriate to proceed due to the potential impact in the workplace. Quick way to get accused of giving special treatment and moved or terminated. Very hard to hide.
If you and Jane are in an equal level role or one of you is willing to quit or change roles, go for it.
John’s personal problems sound like they are effecting his work performance. If you are his supervisor you are responsible for handling that in some way. If you let too much slide because you feel bad for him, this will go from a problem with John to a problem with you. It is John’s responsibility to manage his personal life and be able to do his job within the expectations of the company. If you are sharing that the expectations aren’t be met in similar ways multiple times, cut the cord.
Regarding your expectation of John taking issue with you and Jane becoming a thing, kinda depends what Jane wants if you ask me. And I’m sure it’s scary how John would react being rejected but again, that’s on John to deal with. I’d just be straight up about it. Sorry man she’s into me and I’m Into her. That’s bad news, but if he can’t handle that in a mature manner that’s on him. He’ll end up quitting or getting terminated for an emotional outburst. It’s sad, but it isn’t your responsibility to control how he responds. Personal problems are personal problems. Generally, managers that are managing lower level managers understand when somebody on the team just doesn’t click or behaves in a way that wasn’t within your control or purview. They have been through the same shit themselves.
Ensure you are operating within the confines of your handbook/guidelines if you want to keep your job. That’s the biggest thing.
Expect this to become an HR issue if John doesn’t immediately quit. I would avoid moving forward with an attempt to terminate John after he identifies the you and Jane situation as that may look retaliatory. Either get HR or another manager involved to ensure John is clearly being terminated for valid reasons and that other people are involved in that decision.
If you want to go the more sinister route (some people do). Terminate John with solid documentation on the performance issues. Negative attitude possibly. Consult your handbook for options, but ultimately you can terminate him and wait on moving forward with Jane until he’s gone.
If you take nothing else from this, consult the handbook. If you want to keep your job all the information is in there. You can get it from HR in the event you don’t already have a copy.
I appreciate the detailed response. I like all my staff even if they have problems. I try to not terminate people unless its just not working. Workplace relationships at my job are looked at in a more relaxed manner. Jane and I are in similar positions but ultimately have no real need to interact with each other. Breaks could be cut cleanly if done correctly. Of course, life is rarely mess free.
John is a good guy that can do his job well, his traumas and other issues are causing problems. I have seen him looking off into the distance with a thousand yard stare more than once. I am aware that John’s problems are his own, but even if I looked at this as a completely selfish way. I would still have a hard time sleeping at night if I was the thing that sent him over the edge. He hasn’t done anything immediately termination worthy, just lapses in attention and complaining. I have yet to let anything serious slide.
My best course of action that I had considered was staying the course and seeing if a relationship is even worth pursuing in the first place before I get involved in that. If it does though, well I guess we will burn that bridge when we get to it. Workplace relationships are tolerated where I work assuming you aren’t working together or are responsible for them in either direction.