Relationship Advice@lemmy.worldbyunderscores@lemmy.zip
15 hours

Weird issue with friends that I can't really ask anyone about

English

I tried talking about this with my girlfriend and she kind of didn’t give me any input except “I understand why that makes you upset”

Long story short someone I used to be friends with started saying things like they hate me, don’t want to see me if I’m around, would actively avoid me.

I initially thought it was a meme or a joke as usually people say stuff like that “I haaate this dude maaan” but jokingly, but then I found out it was real.

I first got mad at my friends for not saying anything, people don’t want to take sides so they didn’t want to “pick” me or them and say “this person is wrong here”. I wasn’t okay with someone saying that, and in addition to that I wasn’t okay with people saying nothing about this situation. So I stopped talking to everyone altogether, some people DM me here and there, one person has said “other person was in the wrong”

I felt as though someone intentionally was trying to push me out of my own friend group and no one cared, therefore in my eyes it felt like people were okay for me to be pushed out.

Anyways recently people have been trying to get me to hang out again and they just say “just pretend that person isn’t there”

I don’t know how to cope with this situation, I had lots of fun with those people but because of my BPD I feel like they can never be my friends again. It’s a feeling hard to explain but I’ve had it explained to me as “people with bpd struggle to see gray situations and tend to see everything in black/white”. So in my mind that entire friend group is deep black.

I don’t really know where this is going, is it possible to even recover this situation? btw I’m not going to bend over or make ultimatums.

I just wish that other person never existed and everything would be okay, or maybe I wish I never interacted with that person ever and this would have never happened.

I don’t have the social skillset to decode this situation and my BPD is making it near impossible to not feel empty about it

13
    • thedeadwalking4242@lemmy.worldEnglish
      10 hours

      I want to be careful as you have mentioned you have BPD, I’ve had lots of friends with BPD so understand how challenging it can be.

      People are a free to not like you and actively voice that with others

      People are also free to be friends with you and that person.

      Those friends should not be inviting you both out at the same time out if respect, but l are still free to do so. And you and that other person are free to respond as you please.

      Did something happen between you and the other individual that would trigger their behavior or is it new? Have you tried asking them them why they feel that way?

      • underscores@lemmy.zipEnglish
        30 minutes

        I think in a normal relationship you’d seek to mends things but I have 0 interest in trying to work anything out with this person.

        I’d rather find an entirely new friend group than bend over for someone who’s trying to push me out.

        In addition to that they’re someone’s friend and not really mine. I have no connection with them, I don’t want or care for any apologies in either direction by me or from them.

        Someone tried to set something up and the response on their side was “I don’t care” which is impossible to work with and pissed me off even further.

    • BarneyPiccolo@lemmings.worldEnglish
      10 hours

      I had a friend group in college that included one guy who always liked to stir up drama. He was always bringing up some imagined slight, then he’d talk to each individual person and convince them, and when he had all his ducks in a row, he’d spring it on his latest victim, and they’d end up shocked that everyone was so offended, and they’d apologize, and there would be tears, and in a few days, it would be someone else.

      Near the end of my senior year, he tried it on me, and I just walked away from the group. I ended my senior year still friends with a very small separate group of much cooler people, who I still speak with occasionally, decades later. I haven’t spoken to any of the rest since.

      Some people are sociopaths who take pleasure in knowing they can manipulate people. Learn to identify them early, and avoid them, and anyone who allows themselves to be manipulated by them.

    • hzl@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      11 hours

      People often try to minimize conflict to maintain the status quo. They may not mean it to be explicitly personal against you, but that doesn’t really feel better when they tolerate people being shitty to you. It feels spineless because it is.

      The question for you is whether they make you feel good enough to try to make space away from the people who make you feel unseen or actively disliked. For me personally, I’d rather be around people who will stand up for me than be around people who are kind of lukewarm and wait to experience those moments when they’ll show that they don’t really care enough about how things affect me to have my back. That doesn’t mean I’m going to cut off people who don’t jump to my defense, but the amount of emotional investment they show needs to be factored into the emotional investment I give.

      If someone can’t stand up for me or at least commiserate after the fact and strongly show that they do actually care, what are we actually doing? Like, it’s nice to have casual acquaintances as well as closer friends, but if me being mistreated doesn’t register, it’s probably going to kind of suck spending time in that group. I’d rather spend that time with people who actively enjoy being around me to the point that they want me to feel comfortable.

      Personally, the way I process it is that it’s either fuck yes or it’s no. It’s a waste of time and emotional energy chasing after people who don’t care enough to be supportive.

      • underscores@lemmy.zipEnglish
        8 hours

        Well that also got me thinking, no one stood up for me in this case.

    • fr0g@piefed.socialEnglish
      15 hours

      I felt as though someone intentionally was trying to push me out of my own friend group and no one cared, therefore in my eyes it felt like people were okay for me to be pushed out.

      Well that one obviously isn’t true. Because as you said yourself:

      So I stopped talking to everyone altogether, some people DM me here and there, one person has said “other person was in the wrong”

      and

      Anyways recently people have been trying to get me to hang out again

      • underscores@lemmy.zipEnglish
        15 hours

        yes but nothing is done about it, I also can’t pretend someone doesn’t exist

        that person (that dm’d me) has asked me what would make this situation oka

        To me nothing can make it okay except if they could go back in time and say “were not going to exclude someone we like just because you hate them” but I’m not sure if that’s the BPD talking (they made a mistake and thus they cannot be my friend anymore)

        • fr0g@piefed.socialEnglish
          14 hours

          To me nothing can make it okay except if they could go back in time and say “were not going to exclude someone we like just because you hate them” but I’m not sure if that’s the BPD talking (they made a mistake and thus they cannot be my friend anymore)

          I think you’re right that this should have been the response and your friends should have stood up for you.

          But it also doesn’t sound to me like they were deliberately excluding you. Especially coupled with the “just pretend the other person isn’t there” it sounds like they’re mostly just too scared of conflict and were hoping the issue will go away by itself. Which is still poor behaviour but also not necessarily a sign of them not wanting you in the group. So my personal take is that you’re right to demand that your friends stand up for you more. But if they can do that and do stand up for you, I think it would also be fair to give them a second chance. Everybody makes mistakes at some point, it’s how people respond to those mistakes that really defines them imo.

    • melsaskca@lemmy.caEnglish
      11 hours

      I’m sorry you’re having conflict with an ex-friend who no longer likes you and didn’t explain why. The only advice I can attempt is to never define yourself by the group you belong to. We all walk alone and there are people everywhere. Some will like us and some won’t, for a myriad of reasons. Go party with your friends, even if that one hater is included. You can rise above that petty behaviour by showing the statesmanship and diplomacy that resides within.

    • Ayutsu@lemmy.zipEnglish
      14 hours

      Do you know why this person doesn’t like you? For me the real solution without time travel fantasy would be them taking my side.

      • underscores@lemmy.zipEnglish
        8 hours

        it was allegedly over something I said (which I never got to know) but I’m fairly polite. I probably said something insensitive that touched on a nerve.

        My best guess is something along the lines of “ok boomer” because they are an older person.

        I realize that this is not a very nice thing to say but imo its also not grounds to entirely “hate” someone.

        • fr0g@piefed.socialEnglish
          5 hours

          You say you possibly were insensitive but that is not a reason to hate someone/not want to be around someone.

          So how is that so different from your friends, who generally seem to appreciate your company, not realizing in the moment that their behaviour made you feel excluded. Just like you maybe didn’t realize your behaviour made the other guy feel excluded/looked down upon?