Relationship Advice@lemmy.worldbyWendy (she/her)@piefed.social
1 day

Update: Is it normal for a partner to not answer your texts or make time for you at all?

English

So, me, (22F), my fiancée Aiko (monogamous but supports me, 23F) and my boyfriend Will (23NB but he/they pronouns) are all in an open relationship. Will is also dating this guy Dave (26M) for 2 months, while we have been dating for like 4 months. We are seeing how it goes, but I have one problem.

While I get that Dave is new to him and all that, they always sleep over, play video games, etc. and Will never invites me to do that stuff with him, only Dave and Will invite each other. It’s a good thing I have Aiko to do that stuff with, but I mean, come on. I wanna spend time with Will too.

And I’ve even told him that and how I don’t like how he leaves me on “delivered” or “seen” for hours, and he just says “Oh, sorry!” or “I’m just busy” or “I’m just depressed”, so then I don’t bring it up again because he has a reason to do so and I feel petty.

Here’s the thing: He’s usually doing this, and he doesn’t do this often to Dave, just me. He always spams Dave and freaks out when he doesn’t respond, and while Will likes me, he couldn’t care less if I responded to him or not.

He says because Dave has been treating him badly, that he’s done with men, but he clearly likes men more or at least Dave more than me.

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    • you_are_dust@lemmy.worldEnglish
      1 day

      It sounds like you aren’t happy so that should be all you really need to know. You’re not getting what you want out of the situation. Remove whatever pieces are the problem is what I would suggest. This sounds like a mess honestly. No offense intended if this is the type of situation that you want. Sounds way too complicated and emotionally stressful for an old person like myself.

      • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
        1 day

        Thanks, it’s just poly stuff that’s more common with young people. It would’ve been fine if he spent at least a bit more time with me and responded to my texts like he did when we were just friends but oh well.

        • you_are_dust@lemmy.worldEnglish
          1 day

          The lack of attention is something I have seen mentioned in a lot of poly conversations. Seems like someone is always getting neglected because there’s just too much division of time. I wish you the best and remember that your wants and needs are important in any relationship you get into.

          • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
            1 day

            Yeahhh, some people have made it work, others not. I just wish he’d pay more attention to me at least a bit, but later I feel bad because he says he’s either depressed or too busy or he’s spending time with Dave. He’s entirely devoted to that man.

            • you_are_dust@lemmy.worldEnglish
              1 day

              Sounds like he’s not made you a priority and that his priorities are clear. You’re young so best to move forward and find what you need.

              • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
                1 day

                Thanks. I will probably break up if he doesn’t stop, but then he kisses me and acts attentive when he sees me (barely)

                • you_are_dust@lemmy.worldEnglish
                  1 day

                  That’s a trap/cycle that is easy to fall into. It sounds like you’re aware though. If you need both the virtual when you are apart and the physical when you are together, be absolutely clear in that to him. If he can’t do both, then it’s time to move on. Sounds like you have one supportive and attentive partner regardless of what happens with the one that doesn’t respond to you.

                  • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
                    1 day

                    Yeah, you’re right. I will try to tell him again if he listens and tell him the full thing on how I feel but I’m afraid he’ll be angry at me. My friend is convinced he’s perfect for me and that he absolutely loves me (she’s an eternal optimist)

    • fodderoh@lemmy.worldEnglish
      1 day

      Sounds like Will is either waiting for you to “take the hint” and move on so he doesn’t have to be the one to end it or wants to keep you around as a backup in case things don’t work out with Dave. Whatever his intentions, he is clearly not prioritizing your relationship, which begs the question do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t consider you to be a priority in his life?

      • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
        1 day

        You’re right. He always says I help him though and that I’m a good girlfriend, so IDK. Maybe I am just a backup to him. I’m very afraid of making him sadder/angry though, I wish I wasn’t.

    • Angel (she/her)@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      1 day

      No. I’m sorry to be like every Redditor when I’m not on Reddit but if he’s not meeting your needs, you should probably break up. He can clearly only handle one partner :(

    • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
      1 day

      And I also realize that not everyone’s on their phone at every minute, but on the other hand, he barely responds, so he’ll leave me on read and not respond every day for hours.

    • hendrik@palaver.p3x.deEnglish
      1 day

      All of the posts sound like a lot of emotional drama. Dave is depressed and doesn’t answer Will’s advances. Now Will is depressed and doesn’t answer your texts… Maybe make sure you’re now not the next person in line to continue that trend and neglect your connection to Aiko.

      • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
        1 day

        You’re right, I’ll make sure I don’t. However, I must say he’s been doing this even when Dave would answer his advances and spend time with him, he’s just very emotionally invested in Will yet not me.